Instructor's Corner

I was called by a parent the other day. She had a story not unlike the many I have heard before. It went something like this “I have a son name Jimmy and he has gotten in trouble in school…again. We have taken him out of baseball hoping that will help, we’ve taken him out of football, and we’ve even taken away his play station and Wii. For a short time it seems to help then he just gets back in trouble again. So now we are looking at putting him in some type of martial arts class, but we told him if he doesn’t straighten up, we’ll take him out of that too.” I listened for a while and didn’t interrupt as the mom told me of the many things Jimmy does. You know the usual, he hits and bullies his siblings, he yells at everyone, he won’t do his homework or won’t do it to his ability, he sometimes grabs or hits others students. “So do you think you can help us” she continued. “The real question Ms. Customer is will you allow me to help.” I replied politely. “I don’t know what you mean. That’s why I am calling you now.” She said.

I went on to explain to Ms. Customer that it seems that one thing Jimmy is lacking is consistency. He knows that if he gets into trouble, he will then receive the attention of his parents, they will then take something away from him, which means he is getting more attention from them, then you have to monitor him to make sure he is not partaking in whatever activity you have taken away from him, which means he receives more attention from you and then, just when the attention seems to be going away, BANG…He’s back in trouble again and so the cycle begins again.

She listened intently as I continued. What Jimmy needs is not to have more taken away, but to have more given to him. I explained to Ms. Customer that should I agree to become a part of the solution (I emphasized a part, because she and her husband would have to be my partners in this venture and pull their weight on their end), that when he makes a mistake they cannot pull him from the class. Her response was one that you would expect “Well then how do we punish him.” “Simple” I responded, “You bring him to class.” I replied. “You see removing Jimmy from the solution does not solve the problem, it simply delays the reoccurrence.”

As we continued to speak she began to understand that our school is not designed for a season like football or baseball. Our school is designed to equip children and adults for a lifetime. If you pull the child away, how then are we able to address the problem and present the path towards correcting the behavior not just addressing the incident? For example it would not make sense to remove someone from Chemotherapy which can kill the cancer, because you want to stop the nausea right? You are stopping one symptom but the root problem is much bigger and still remains.

“Have you ever seen the clip of the monkey doing martial arts” I asked her on the phone “Excuse me” she said laughing. “There has been a clip for years of this monkey jumping through the air and doing martial arts kicks. They even put a clip of it in the movie with Nicholas Cage called Ghost Rider.” I said. “Oh Yes, I’ve seen it,” She replied “Why?” I went on to explain to Ms. Customer that it is easy to teach someone how to do something, but it takes time to teach them why they are doing it. You see, with her son, he was acting out subconsciously to gain attention from the parents, negative attention is still attention. “I can build his confidence, I can give him profound self respect for self and others, but I cannot give him a parent’s attention.” I explained. “Attention from me, yes. Attention from his peers in class, Yes, but not attention from his parents. You see this is what sets us apart from other “drop off schools”. Sure you can drop off Jimmy, but is that meeting his need of attention from you. You can sit and watch him; that would serve him better than just dropping him off, but even more you can participate with him. Let me allow for his full admiration to remain focused upon those in his immediate family instead of shifting it completely upon me. You see, I can have Jimmy respectfully saying Yes Sir and No Sir to me in no time, but I want that to be the answer he gives to you freely as well. You have not seen it because the martial arts are new to you”, I continued, “But I have seen over and over again kids who say yes sir and no sir to their instructors and then instantly when class is over they revert back to their old selves with their parents as they leave class. That is fault of both instructor and parent. The instructor taught the child respect, failed to teach that respect is not just an in the “dojo” thing, it is an all the time thing.” Ms. Customer understood and said that she would like to be involved and possibly her husband as well, not so much for her but for Jimmy. “I just want for him to be the best at everything he does” she said, and so began our next conversation.

“The best compared to what and whom” I enquired. “There is a difference in being the best and being the best HE can be. No one is better at being Jimmy than Jimmy and that is what we need to get him to understand.” I went on to tell her that excellence and the pursuit of excellence is found from within, external forces and factors can influence the progression however the effects of those forces will only be temporary. The drive is internal. What we can do is influence the child now as he is young and implements these changes in his developing mind now, before the old bad habits become an ingrained within his mind, which becomes evermore difficult to change with time. As we continued our discussion I reiterated to her that the parents must see that what we do at our school is not for a season but for a lifetime of change, we want to make a solid impact upon the longevity of the child’s well being, not for just this moment. So the parents must stay the steady course. The parents must speak to the child and express to them that giving up is not an option. The parent must reinforce that anything other than the child’s best in anything is unacceptable. The parent must be involved and be our partner or the parent could and most times will unintentionally derail the progress by feeding into whatever phobia the child has.

Again, I stressed that excellence and the pursuit of excellence is relative. What is excellence and compared to who’s standard? For a child, my goal for Jimmy to know that no one can ever be better at being Jimmy then Jimmy, with that he will feel the joy of accomplishment and success. Now if Jimmy’s perception is that he can only do so many things, and I perceive that his body and mind allow for him to do and achieve more, than I will steer and motivate him into giving more by using positive reinforcement. When the child decides to no longer give his best, then that child is spoken to about it from me and from his peers. The key word there is “choice”. The child is making the decision to stop a positive activity, the pursuit of excellence. With that he must also come to realize that with choices come rewards and punishments.

I concluded our call by telling her about a new child who just joined our class. Brady’s mom brought him to his first class with us. Brady ran out onto floor full of energy. His mom pulled me aside and said that although they have only been in school for two weeks, Brady has already been suspended for kicking another child. She told me that Brady had taken classes elsewhere, which was evident by his different colored uniform. He learned to kick and punch there, but never was he taught about when it is and is not appropriate to use those skills. I smiled at her, shook her hand and said “Welcome to Calvary Family Martial Arts and Fitness.” She looked puzzled as to what exactly that meant. Another parent was standing close by and took her by the arm and said “Follow me, this is going to be good” and took her to be seated to watch the class. Well, I won’t go into all that we did within the class but I did explain it all to Ms. Customer who loved what she heard. Let me just say that at the end of the class Brady had to stand at the end of the matt and shake everyone’s hand and apologize for his actions in his school, and he had to acknowledge that because of his actions others in our martial arts school had to pay the price as well. Positive peer pressure can be a very strong motivator for change.

As one of my senior students walked pasted Brady and Brady apologized, my student of around the same age said to him “Don't just apologize...Change”. I didn't have to tell the senior student to say that. He has been with me for some time now and he is tired of paying the price for others mistakes, so he voiced it. Brady now knows where he stands. Sure he will falter again and that is ok, that is called learning. But willful disregard toward others, disrespect towards others, actions that are dishonorable to himself and his family, these things he now knows will be voice to all, and all will pay for it. “You see” as I concluded with Ms. Customer “We teach a reality life arts system here, not just a martial arts system. We teach principles that the student uses in every day interactions with others. Those in our class know that if they steal, we all pay the price. If they become gang members and cause havoc in a neighborhood, we all pay the price. How? The price of products increase, home values decrease, people move from neighborhoods and crime will continue to rise. They learn that accountability begins here and now. But when things get rough and you pull him out of our classes, how then can he learn and grow? How then does he learn about accountability for his actions and lack of actions? With that she simply said “So when can we join?” Laughing, I responded, “Somehow I think you already have. Welcome to the family, Calvary Family Martial Arts and Fitness.”